I’d Learned to Blend-in with Narcissists (poem)

here’s a story so convoluted
that took place in a place so populated
with rats in a rat race densely concentrated
here’s a story of the oppressed— the narcissists

see, i’d wanted to comprehend narcissists
but without experience, all i had was a hypothesis
so i delved undercover(s) to experiment with it
by pretending to blend in with narcissists

but the when, the why, and the how i did it
was right after i’d learned of my ignorance
i then took responsibility for my own weaknesses
for once being too pathetic to tackle narcissists

but i also knew to never try n’ change a narcissist
and that since i was a genie — a halfway genius
i could instead learn to mirror it
could construct for them a personality split

so, i’d assumed the persona of a narcissist
and even rigorously followed all the steps
but before venturing, i’d made myself a promise
to always draw the line before violence

i’d learned to blend in with narcissists
as it’d started with a disturbing narrative
from attending local schools where teachers were racist
and white ‘Christian’ schools were homophobic and sexist

our local teachers despised honesty and confidence
instead encouraged us to play dumb and to be deceptive
international schools taught us of competitive indifference
how to subtly support bullies by blatantly mocking victims

all of this continued with an unscripted narrative
and a mask so toxic it was disgustingly positive
that somehow led to dating a cesspool of obsessives
whom i’d tried breaking up with by saying, ‘i’m a narcissist!’

even though most of them probably knew i wasn’t
a few played along anyway for their own amusement or benefit
thus rendering themselves as variables in the project
by projecting their own Shadow-selves onto an easy scapegoat

then i partied with raging alcoholics who were aggressive
worked too long for bosses who were manipulative and abusive
cared a bit too much for the oppressive and the offensive
internalised their projections and became increasingly self-destructive

i somehow ended up in a church that employed a misogynist
and was even told that I’m supposed to blindly forgive a rapist
but were they so arrogant or deluded to think WE’d died for each other’s sins?
or are they just so filled with vengeance that they manipulate themselves with ‘forgiveness’?

and so, by then i’d learnt to blend in with narcissists
by observing and analysing their ignorant turns and twists
by empathising with their subversive brokenness
by rationalising with the masochism that fuels them to be reckless

i’d learnt to blend in with narcissists
simply by reflecting back to them all of it
then when i’d reached the end of my experiment
i simply hit ‘save’ and then quit

because i’d finally learnt how to mirror the narcissist
without actually becoming it
by taking responsibility for my own ignorance
through experiments and gaining experience

see, i was only ever trying to fathom their bullshit
to explore and rectify my initial hypothesis
to prove myself wrong and earn my own respect
but the end result took me years of therapy to accept…

…i couldn’t become a narcissist…


(Inspired by previous experiences and adventures in Hong Kong)

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