A letter to you, darling,
Since your mysterious disappearance, a lot has happened and changed. Not just externally, those are almost expected, but intrinsic transformation beyond even my wildest of imaginations.
It has been a year of adventure, of exploration, of growth. A few days ago, these words came to me and many unanswered questions finally found their resting places.
Real love remains even after your ego breaks.
While I’ve always known that ego has been my greatest challenge in life, meeting you is what taught me to stop leaning on it. To stop leaning on my own understanding and perception of reality. You and I had a few brief and deep conversations, we connected on a level that not many can do so naturally. There was definitely a form of chemistry between us, yet neither of us seemed to know what to do about it.
I battled myself for months, deliberating whether or not to make a move or contact you. I wanted to, each and every day.
But I knew that what you deserved, what you needed, and the type of understanding that you required was beyond my capabilities at the time. Much as I wanted to be strong enough for you emotionally, much as I wanted to give you the space you needed to grow, I couldn’t…
…because space is not a luxury I’ve been blessed with until more recently, and thus could not give what I did not have.
For this, I apologize, sincerely. I am sorry that I couldn’t give you what you asked for, that I couldn’t be who you needed me to be, and that I couldn’t see what it was you were trying to show.
Having come to terms with a neurological condition in recent years, learning how to integrate in an overwhelmingly temporary world, and moving past a series of repeated traumas in a few years whilst refusing to be victimized is honestly not an easy feat. Not easy, but still possible.
When we met, I was coming out of a dark hole, still crawling back to life. You met me when I was battered and bruised, torn and tethered. When I was nothing but a shriveled up patient in recovery who had just taken off a cast and had yet to relearn the functionality of those decayed muscles.
When we met, I was still in metaphorical rags.
I can understand why you left; I must’ve looked like a zombie coming after your brains. Maybe I was, figuratively speaking…
It was your soul.
It was your beautiful soul that drew me to you in the first place. I’d been living without one for so long that your radiance was an inevitable magnet to me; that bright light you see as you leave the tunnel of darkness.
I followed the light. I followed you…
By the time I’d finally made it out of the tunnel, you were gone!
Lost and displaced I was for a while, calling out to you and reaching out, not knowing why you’d disappeared.
Until now, I never figured it out. But I do love you, in the way you asked me to…
You wanted to be loved like the sun: from a distance, your light is lasting and appreciated. Up close, your passion burns so hot that you accidentally hurt those who overstep those boundaries. You pull away to protect the ones you love, not because you’re avoiding them, but because you want to keep them safe.
You, more than anyone, know your passions like no one else.
For that reason, you live your life the way you do, nomadic as a passenger. You don’t want to burden others because you know you can’t take on theirs either, yet you want to be loved nonetheless.
You deserve to be loved.
It has taken us this much distance for me to finally understand that. To understand how you want to be loved.
That, darling, is the love I can give you, because I don’t love anyone with the intention of ever “getting over” the person.
If I choose to love, then that love lasts; it doesn’t disappear, it merely transforms.
I do love you in the way you asked; it may not be what I had expected of myself, but it is what it is.
From the soul,